The Attractive Introvert: How to Attract Women When You’re Not The Outgoing, Social Guy

She was walking through the crowd in my direction…

We’d locked eyes moments earlier. She walked towards me, and looked again. A curious kind of look broke over her face.

I smirked.

She was within a couple of feet of me, still looking at each other, I simply said, “hey”.
She said “hey” back.

I looked at her a little longer, still smirking.

She couldn’t control herself – you could see words bubbling up in her throat, until she had to spit them out.

You’re handsome. I like your eyes”.
Thanks”, I said, without breaking eye contact.

What’s your name?

10 minutes later we were in a taxi.

The Attractive Introvert - Phil Hawksworth

A few years ago…

I would not have believed this possible.
Not for me, anyway. It’s something out of a James Bond script. Doesn’t happen in real life…

Except, now it does. All the time.

I don’t care whether you’re just looking to settle down with a nice girlfriend, or you want to go home with a different girl every night of the week…

To achieve what you want from your dating/sex life, you have to present yourself as an attractive package.

The conventional wisdom of how to do that simply does not work for introverted guys.

Sure, you can go out and pretend to be an outgoing, social guy…talking to everyone. Bouncing around the place with a big grin…

You will see some success like that – but it’s not fulfilling.

It’s not who you are. It’s tiring, it feels unnatural (because it is). The person you are presenting to the world is not really you.

You might get laid, but trust me, that is not fulfilling for ever.

You can be the ‘attractive introvert. There is nothing wrong with you being quiet, and you do not have to become extrovert to succeed with women. Even at bars and clubs.

You have to show up as your honest, true self if you ever want to have deeper, meaningful relationships with the opposite sex.

Whether they are transitory or more permanent doesn’t matter. Everything works out a lot better when you can follow the age-old stupid advice girls give and “just be yourself”… with the caveat that this time, it actually works.

You should be yourself. You will not be happy being anyone else.

What is missing when people say it is this;

“Just be yourself…BUT if yourself is not good enough, you are not entitled to anything. Go and make yourself better”.

You don’t become a new person. You evolve yourself.

You don’t turn up at school on day one, “just be yourself” and expect to pass your exams. You go and learn.

You don’t turn on the computer, “just be yourself” all the way to coding the next billion-dollar software. You go and practice.

Eventually, you’re going to be good enough.

Maybe not good enough to get a scholarship to Harvard or build the next Facebook…but good enough to get a decent education and make a comfortable living.

So it is with dating.

Yes, damn right, be yourself…but recognise the market value of your current self – if it isn’t where you want it to be, you need to work on that.

Back to being the attractive introvert…

“Being yourself” means being OK with your natural disposition. Accepting it, incorporating it into who you are, and making it your strength.

That’s what I’ve done.
I hate talking to people I don’t know or don’t like – so I don’t.

Even when I am with a girl I like, I don’t tend to talk much. Communicating mostly non-verbally and enjoying her feminine presence, more than worrying about conversation.

I dated a girl for an entire year that didn’t speak English
Friends would ask how, or what, we talked about.

They don’t get that – for me – it’s only a small part of the many things I value. Someone’s presence and the feelings they create are more important to me than what they are saying.

I think any intelligent or free-thinking guy is going to feel the same way. Someone who spends the majority of their time reading, thinking, travelling, meditating etc…

It will be extremely rare to meet someone who is your intellectual equal AND free-thinking. Women tend much more towards following the herd.

It exists, I’ve met numerous women like that, but they’re a tiny percentage of the population.

I would argue that you shouldn’t be looking for that from a girl that you date anyway. You have friends to talk about philosophy or politics with.

If a girl is sweet, happy, looks after me and makes me feel good – I am happy.

But we’re getting ahead of ourselves…

Before you’re having deep conversations about the meaning of life… you need to actually meet and say hello.

This goes for the coffee shop or library as much as it does the bar or party…
As an introvert, you are not going to light up the room and be the super social guy.

You shouldn’t even try. It’s incongruent, tires you out and just doesn’t fit with who you are.

It’s pretty see-through as well. Probably works on some people, especially drunk people; but it’s not a good long term strategy.

Mostly because it is just that – a ‘strategy’.
Nobody needs a strategy to simply be their true self.

That means for an introvert to be attractive on first impression…

You need to have other things going for you.

You can be extremely attractive, as an introvert, even if you don’t look like David Gandy.

Think of movie characters that women fawn over. You want to be the ‘strong silent’ archetype. James Bond.

It’s raw, masculine and mysterious (aka chick crack).

This is who you are, deep inside.
You might not feel very strong right now, but every man has a power inside. You’ve lost it, but it’s there.

If you’ve seen the Tony Robbins documentary on Netflix, there’s a couple of instances where he reconnects this power for guys – one who was suicidal, and the other who was just a giant pussy that got bossed around by his girlfriend. She – of course – didn’t want to sleep with him anymore.

You can see their life change. Before this experience, they were not strong in any sense of the word.

It is within anyone’s reach to attain this power that is inside you.

It’s a journey. It takes time, effort and pain…

But the rewards on the other side more than make up for it.

This journey happens in the gym.

You absolutely must have the physicality to display your strength as a man…

You need to carry yourself well. To own your presence, look good and dress well.

You will get noticed, without having to be all up in everyone’s face, feeling like a dancing clown.

I will often go home with girls from bars or parties after exchanging barely more than 2 sentences.

It’s 100% not down to any magical hypnotic words I said. I can’t stand the ‘pick-up’ goo-roo thinking that you have to ‘say the right thing’.

I understand why they do it. It sells, because men want a closed system that they can learn and implement.

Unfortunately, no such system works or exists.

At the core, if you’re not seeing the success that you desire right now, it is because you are not the man you need to be. There’s no shortcut.

At best, you’re just replicating the behaviours of what a successful person does. Modelling works in a sense. ‘Fake it until you make it’ is valid, but it’s only half of the equation.

You have to go out and do the work on the back end, to make the front end that you’re faking become reality. This is the ‘making it’ part.

You can model the right thing, and be better off than doing the wrong thing, but it’s not the truth. It’s fake, and that will be visible.

Maybe not immediately. Likely not consciously, but eventually everyone will see through it. Something just feels ‘off’.

To have the kind of dating and sex life that you desire, you have to do the work to be the man. You have to be ‘that guy’.

Some simple eye contact exchanges say more than 1,000 words could ever say…

When you own your presence and you’re comfortable with your physicality.

How do I become the attractive introvert?

The 2 things you must do are:

  • Be in shape
  • Be confident

The latter follows from the former.

I could mention dressing well, good posture, grooming, etc. but they will all be in check, if you are in shape and have confidence.

When you’re confident, you value yourself and take care of yourself. It’s not something you need to think too hard about. You don’t see successful, confident people looking like slobs.

You never have to worry about what to say, or saying the wrong thing. It just doesn’t matter. You will say the right thing, because you will say the honest thing. The honest thing will be the right thing.

This takes work…

I’m not saying “just be yourself” as you are now…

Nor am I saying “just become confident”… (what the fuck does that mean?)

It’s not a shortcut or a magic system. It’s the long and arduous process that every successful, attractive introvert has been through, to tap into their power and achieve more in their lives.

You need to put in the time in the gym. To build your confidence, and find your power in your physicality. It is a necessity.

It underpins everything that you do. What you say, what you’re wearing – that’s the surface level stuff that is built upon the foundation of your physicality.

Physicality doesn’t just mean being in shape.
It means how you carry yourself, how you stand, how you move, how you look around the room and how people perceive you.

You have an internal strength that is displayed via body language and – for lack of a better word – your aura.

Does having a six pack help?
Yes, of course it does. But it’s not the be-all and end-all.

Taking up space and moving confidently are more important.
That is within the reach of any guy within 6-12 months.

You just have to do the work in the gym.

You just have to become ‘that guy’.

 

 

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  • steve

    The problem with all of is that now adays women’s standards have become way too damn unattainable. It’s like a guy has to be a circus clown doing backflips through fire just to get any sort of the woman’s attention. I’ve even seen the most ugly women now feel like their entitled to the absolute top 3% of guys out there….It’s been very frustrating for me because I have actually put in the hard work of improving my self the past couple years ( I’m in the best shape of my life/have a good sense of fashion/improve my social skills & confidence) but still women don’t seem to ever give a shit and I still have absolutely no results or success. So It’s kinda like there’s only so much a guy can friggin do !

    • Where are you meeting these women Steve?

      • steve

        sometimes daytime/sometimes night/sometimes online…but yeah man it has got to the point where I really don’t know what the hell women are looking for now adays; because like I said, I know I’m a good catch but they still won’t even give me a chance and act like they’re such hot shit and unreachable. I wonder if every women now thinks that they’re entitled to guys like brad pitt, channing tatum,ect because that’s what it seems like

        • Some women are like that, sure, but not all.

          Most guys are losers too, everyone has to wade through the crap to find the diamond.

          Personally I would always look internally – what is it about you that is attracting those types of girls, or causing girls to act like that?

          • steve

            but I don’t attract anything at all even though I’ve actually put in the hard work and improved myself to the point of being a great catch…, it’s just I cannot find anyone interested. Now I know this is where you’ll probably say “it’s a numbers game” but nobody ever says just how many numbers??…it seems like a guy now adays has to seriously put in thousands upon thousands approaches, and even then he’s guaranteed nothing.

          • I don’t think it’s a numbers game per se.

            It’s a numbers game in the sense that only X out of 100 girls are gonna be into you, and available.

            I don’t think you should be speaking to 100 girls to try and find the X that are into you. You should be filtering and only spending energy on girls who are into you and available. However, the filtering process is mostly intuitive and comes with experience. It is a catch 22 in the beginning.

            Can you define ‘great catch’? You’ve mentioned it a couple of times, but if you’re a great catch, women will be recognising this. Remember that women define what a ‘great catch’ is, not you.

            Their behaviour indicates what they think a great catch is – i.e. the guys they are getting with are deemed a great catch