How Introverts Can Talk to Women - Phil Hawksworth
10 months ago

How Introverts Can Talk to Women

This is part 3 in a mini-series for introverts to become better with women. Check out part 1 here to understand the difference between introversion, quietness and shyness; and how to come out of your shell. In part 2 I talk about how to overcome shyness in a step by step, actionable way.

This third part of the series we talk specifically about what to do and say when in an interaction with a girl you’ve met. Whether an online date, or a cute girl you want to introduce yourself to in daily life.


How Introverts Can Talk to Women

This video and post cover the actual interaction; what to say and do when you’re talking to a girl. There’s a few points I need to cover, and I get into giving you a framework of exactly what to say towards the end.


What you say doesn’t matter

Honestly, the words that come out of your mouth are not that important.

We build it up as a big thing in our heads, but in the real world it matters a lot more who is saying it, and how it is said, than what is being said.

A good looking guy can say anything and the girl will like it. A guy that is not good looking, confident or handsome could say the cleverest, funniest, most romantic, smoothest lines ever and the girl is still going to think he is a creep.

Focus less on what you are saying, and more on becoming the guy that girls want to have talking to them.

Not only does what you say not matter very much, but any particular interaction or girl doesn’t matter much. There are millions of them out there and you always have chance to speak to the next one.

You’ve got to view this as a process of practising your social skills and getting better with women.

When you’re shy and not used to talking to people, it seems like a huge deal to have this conversation – I know – but you will overcome that through exposure. The more people you talk to, the easier it becomes, the less nervous you are, and the better the conversations go.


Pick up lines are bullshit

There is no perfect line that attracts girls. They’re attracted to who is saying it. If you’re handsome and confident you can say “I love lamp” and more times than not the girl will giggle and introduce herself.

Lines don’t work because they’re somebody else’s words. It’s incongruent and it comes across as inauthentic (which it is).

Girls are very perceptive, they know when you’re delivering a pre-rehearsed line. Your confidence in the delivery will clearly not match up with what you’re saying and she will spot it a mile away.

Even if it did work, you’re starting the relationship off from a position of pretending to be someone you’re not. That will only ever end in tears.

Instead of lines, especially someone else’s lines, you should create a framework for yourself.


Build a conversation framework to combat nerves

I cannot recommend you use lines, but I know exactly how it feels to be shitting yourself nervous about having a conversation. To freeze up, your brain go completely blank and you have no idea what to say. It’s embarrassing as hell.

That’s why you should have an idea of what to say, as a framework, so you don’t have to think in the moment. Honestly, the first few interactions, you cannot think in the moment. Your adrenaline is so high you’re using all of your energy to stay stood still and not run away.

Have an idea of what you want to say, a conversation starter. An observation is usually a good place to start. Something going on around you, or about her.

Comment on an item of her clothing that stands out or catches your attention, or someone / something in view. It’s authentic and natural.

Of course, it will still feel awkward, but you just have to go through the suck a few times. Until your body calms down and lightens the adrenaline dump you get when talking to a hot girl, you will simply not be able to converse in a normal way.

The only way to do this is to just go through those conversations. Don’t hold high expectations for them – it’s just practice.  Just showing your body that you won’t die, it can calm the fuck down.

As you become more comfortable, you will be able to engage in normal conversation like you would have with someone you know.


Build general social skills

This is where general social skills from part 2 become important. You need to know how to hold small talk and initial conversation with someone you’ve not met before.

As introverts we tend to hate small talk, find it tedious and pointless, etc. Honestly, I still hate it now, but it’s necessary to build the comfort and move the conversation forwards. People need to see you’re a normal, functioning human before you can jump into deep and meaningful conversation.

That’s why we need to just practice being a bit more outgoing. Master socialising, even if we never fall in love with it, it’s just a means to getting to the part of a relationship we do like. It’s doing the work to achieve the outcome we want.

See everything as practice and don’t attach too much importance to outcomes. Simply challenge yourself to hold conversations, to find things out about people and to kill your nerves.

I know it’s painful, I’ve been through it, but it will help you in so many ways. Not just with women, but in business, making friends, and communicating with the world in general – even people you already know.


Say what you mean, make your intentions known

When you’re talking to a girl you’re into, make your intentions known. Don’t be ashamed, don’t hide it; just make sure you do it in a socially acceptable, girl-friendly way.

That means progressing step by step, rather than trying to jump straight to the end point which guys in general, and especially introverts, want to do.

We don’t enjoy the dance of seduction like women do, we just want to move beyond it, but that isn’t how it works. You have to play the game and let the girl have her fun. This is hard to explain in writing, watch the video towards the end to understand better how to do this.

As you become more experienced, you start to see the signs and be able to read what is going on. You start to understand when the girl is into you, when she wants you to move the interaction forwards, etc.

To start with, until you’ve built that reference experience, just take things slow. Don’t be too aggressive, don’t creep her out. The worse thing that can happen is you’re too aggressive while being socially uncalibrated and she is mean to you, slaps you, throws a drink at you, etc.

That happening will kill your confidence and make you never want to talk to a girl again.

Honestly most guys are too shy and weak towards women – they need to learn how to move things forward confidently – but only when they are able to read the signs the girl is giving and understand what is going on in the interaction.

The takeaway is to just practice. To talk to more girls and you will start to see patterns emerge over time. You’ll start to know what she is thinking or feeling, based on her body language, eyes, etc. Then you can start to be more aggressive and move things forward at a quicker pace.

There’s no shame in playing it safe to begin with. Doing anything more than you’ve done before is progress and should be celebrated.


Become The Attractive Introvert

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