This is part 2 in the series for introverts to overcome shyness with women. Read part 1 first here, where I clarify the difference between introversion, shyness and quietness. How to overcome your shyness and meet women, without changing who you are or pretending to be an outgoing extrovert.
I used to be really shy in my late teens and early twenties. I’m naturally quiet and introverted, so when meeting new people that part of my personality just became even stronger. I’d be standoffish and hard to connect with. Partly because I don’t like most people and have very high standards for who I let into my life, but partly because I was just shy and didn’t want to step outside my comfort zone.
I always felt like small talk and niceties were pointless and I didn’t care for doing it. This is a common belief for introverts, but what I came to realise was that this process wasn’t for me. It’s for the other person to feel comfortable, and if I want to have any kind of relationship with them, then I need to endure the initial small talk part.
Introverts want to jump straight to deep, serious conversation, or not engage at all. Unfortunately, unless you’re really on the same wavelength with someone, you can’t go straight there. The exception is maybe if you meet somewhere at a specialist event.
Comic book conventions and Star Wars shit is full of nerdy introverts who can connect instantly and talk deeply about their interests. Unfortunately, the rest of the world think they’re a bunch of dorks. We’ve gotta learn to play the social game to connect with other people – especially women.
Women are all about social appearances and every tedious bullshit social convention that male introverts hate. My breakthrough came when I found the balance between being myself and managing my energy, versus playing the social game.
7 Strategies to Overcome Shyness With Women
You won’t ever become the outgoing, extrovert… and that’s fine. You’ve just got to play to your strengths and embrace introversion. The only thing you need to overcome, is shyness. Here’s the 7 step progression I have figured out to do this and build the kind of sex life I could only dream of a decade ago.
This won’t happen overnight, but is a process that will change your life in unimaginable ways if you put the time into doing it. Don’t settle for mediocre. You can have anything you want, if you do the work to get it.
Be in shape, good looking, good posture
The world treats good looking people better. Men, women, young and old people. Everyone will treat you better when you’re good looking. Get in the best shape you can, be well groomed and well dressed, fix your posture. This is the platform to make everything else easier.
Why anyone would want to try and meet women while looking like a fat slob is beyond me. You’re making it 100 times harder than it needs to be.
When you’re good looking, she already likes you and wants to speak to you. If you’re trying to convince her to like you, you have already lost.
Become your best self before you even bother trying to succeed with women.
Chat to barista’s, shop girls, etc.
As you start trying to engage in more conversations to overcome your shyness, the easiest place to start is people who are serving you.
They are going to open the conversation, and they are literally paid to speak to you and be nice. It’s the lowest pressure situation possible.
It is also a situation that will present itself, rather than you having to initiate anything. Make a commitment to ask every person how they are or how their day is when they are serving you. At the super market, coffee shop, gas station; wherever you interact with people in your day to day life.
Just ask how they are and smile. Most people will be pleasantly surprised and engage in a little small talk. It doesn’t seem like much, but you’re starting to build a little more social confidence than you might previously have had. It’s best to take baby steps and not overwhelm yourself.
Use online dating and spend time with women
Assuming you’ve followed point 1 and become as good looking as you can, it will be easy to set up some dates from online dating. Check out Will Freemen’s How to Get Laid On Tinder if you need tips on what photos to use, what to say, how to go from match to phone number to date, etc.
The goal here is not to find your dream girl and live happily every after. It’s to spend some time around the opposite sex to build comfort. Have some small talk, ask them questions, get used to answering the questions they ask you.
There’s no pressure here, it’s just practice. Assuming you live in a least a moderate sized city, there is thousands and thousands of girls to meet, it doesn’t matter if you don’t hit it off with any one in particular.
I suggest coffee dates initially, to practice your socialising in a sober state. As you get more comfortable, start to transition to bar dates and actually focusing on escalating towards sex. The initial goal is to overcome shyness with women – you can worry about actually getting laid or meeting a girlfriend later. One step at a time.
Accept you’re quiet and embrace it
Being quiet is ok. As you become more comfortable with yourself, you will be more comfortable being quiet. It’s actually a positive in a lot of ways.
If you prefer to listen rather than talk, you are going to find it easy to make people like you. Simply ask them questions and let them talk. People love to talk about themselves. If you’re actively listening and genuinely interested in what they have to say, they will thoroughly enjoy talking your ear off.
Just be careful to avoid interviewing someone. When people are nervous they tend to ask a checklist of questions to the other person. Women especially do it when they’re nervous. Don’t skip down a checklist of random questions about what they do, how many siblings they have etc.
Instead, talk about something you actually care about and discuss a particular topic in more depth. Take the conversation deeper or ask related questions whenever possible. Don’t skip around collecting pointless information you don’t particularly care about.
Get people talking about experiences and feelings. Here’s some examples…
“So you’re a Nanny?”
BAD: How long have you need a Nanny?
GOOD: That’s cool. You must love kids?
“You just came back from travelling?”
BAD: How many countries did you go to?
GOOD: What was the most surprising thing you experienced?
Avoid bland informational questions. Get them onto feelings and experiences. When you get people telling you stories they’re going to tell you the background information anyway, but do so in a way you might actually find interesting, and that they will enjoy telling.
Make eye contact & smile
Holding eye contact displays confidence, and allows you to communicate non-verbally. It puts people at ease when you can hold eye contact and not nervously look away. When you’re shy, you probably won’t be very good at holding eye contact. You will feel social pressure and want to be first to look away.
Practise holding eye contact in conversations, especially when the other person is talking. Don’t stare too hard to the point it’s creepy, just hold for a couple of seconds and then look away.
Smiling puts people at ease and shows you are open and friendly. I can almost guarantee you have resting bitch face and rarely smile if you’re shy. While you’re having low pressure conversations with your barista, hold eye contact and smile as you say hello.
Eventually this stuff just becomes natural and you never need to think about it again.
Go out at night / to parties without drinking
Go out with friends and people you feel comfortable around, but don’t get drunk. Practice interacting while you’re sober. Let everyone else’s good mood and the social atmosphere pull you into a more outgoing state, without using alcohol to lower your inhibitions.
Alcohol is a good social lubricant, but you don’t want it to be a crutch. As a quiet guy, you’re going to always feel more comfortable in quieter, more laid back settings than you will in loud nightclub environments.
Play to your strengths and focus on improving your social skills so you can meet women in day to day life, or in more laid back environments. This will be your bread and butter because you’re probably never going to like nightclubs much anyway.
Approach girls during the day
The final stage is to actually start talking to girls that you don’t know, but are interested in. The difference between this and the chatting with your check out girl, is that you now have intent. You want to exchange contact details and meet up again, if you hit it off.
This will probably be a big step. Now you’re talking to people who are not going to come and talk to you anyway. The truth is, there are still no social consequences, you won’t die and likely won’t ever see this person again.
Not to mention saying hello and paying someone a genuine – not creepy sexual – compliment is a nice thing to do. If someone is upset about you doing that; they have issues.
I’ll write a whole series on this topic in the coming days, so watch this space for more info. You first need to overcome shyness with women, before you need to worry about what to say, or how to best ‘chat up’ a girl. If you can’t say hello, there’s little point worrying about anything beyond that.
Overcome shyness with women first, then the world is your oyster and you can take it as far as you want. Whether you want to get a nice girlfriend to settle down with, or become a player and have loads of women, it’s all possible. Just remember to take one step at a time. Be realistic about where you’re starting from and how far you have to progress. The goal is progress, not perfection.
Become The Attractive Introvert
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